August 20, 2001

There are many ways our lives could be better if science focused on the improving the quality of life rather than looking for the next big moneymaker. But that's not the American way. Instead, we're all so busy with our duvet covers and our sweater sets and our Manwiches that we rarely take the time to sit down and invent things that are good for PEOPLE instead of just good for making money.

For example, people often come up to me and say, "David David. Tell me, why does poop have to stink and is there anything we can do about it?" And my answer is always the same, "It wouldn't stink if it was delivered through the mail."

If poop were delivered to us through the U.S. Postal Service in small, brown paper packages tied with twine then by the time it reached us, it would be dried and odorless. We could simply toss it in the garbage. And if you were tired of the shit you were receiving, you could simply change your subscription service. No more messy excrement from your bottom. No muss, no fuss. You see, it's about putting things in perspective. It's about the quality of life.

On another note, there's been a lot of whining lately about the economy. Oh, boo-hoo, so much unemployment. So many poor people. Well, I read some good news today that really cheered me up. A Reuters article reads "U.S. Leads Charge as Global Arms Sales Rise." The article goes on to say:

Global arms sales grew 8 percent to nearly $36.9 billion in 2000 -- the highest level since 1993 -- with the United States supplying half the weapons sold, according to a U.S. government report released on Monday. U.S. manufacturers signed arms contracts valued at $18.6 billion in 2000, up from nearly $12.9 billion a year earlier with 68 percent going to developing countries. The United States also ranked first in the value of international arms deliveries, making nearly $14.2 billion in deliveries or 48.3 percent. It was the eighth straight year that U.S. companies led the charge, reflecting implementation of arms deals made during and after the 1991 Gulf War. The report concluded that the limited resources of developing countries placed constraints on any significant expansion of the world arms trade.

So, you see? There is something about America to be proud of. Although, it's really a shame that a poor economy would prevent a country from buying all the nice weapons they need. I mean, it certainly won't stop the United States from spending $329 billion in the 2002 federal budget for weapons - including $7.5 billion for the National Missile Defense System (SDI) - even though we've got a lot of unemployed whiners. Heck, if I get fired I know right where I'm sending my resume - Nukes 'r Us, here I come.